First, you should know that I am not against motherhood, fatherhood, or anything similar to being responsible for another human being. So, if you think that I am against it, you are wrong. I respect the role of being a parent deeply, so deeply that just the thought of it makes me anxious.
Stay with me for a few minutes through this post and explore with me the key questions I asked myself that helped me I said no to motherhood, and it is a decision I won’t change.
I come from an unconventional family, I was raised by a very strong mother, with a sense of responsibility I have not seen, even today, in many, I was also raised – only my first years – by a father who thought doing the minimum should be more than enough and actually praised for it. So, I have, on one side, a mother that did everything to send me to the best university in my home country Mexico, and a father who when asked said no to even send me to a different university than his because, and I quote “If that was good for me, that is good for you”, again only the minimum.
This forced me to decide on the direction of my life and also on how to define my self-worth. In that crucial moment, I thought, “How is it that if I didn’t choose this parent, that they have such a major influence on whom I can become?”
I felt full and empty all at once, I felt supported and abandoned, I felt that I had everything in my favor and all against but above all I felt powerless, and that feeling was hard to shake, sometimes even now I struggle to recognize my own power.
And it is precisely that feeling of uncertainty that made me ask key questions.
Am I emotionally stable?
No one, and I mean, no one is 100% healthy, we all need therapy and we all should go and try to improve ourselves. However, many people don’t do it. They don’t even feel they should have any kind of therapy. I have been in therapy since I was 15, I was diagnosed with MDD at age 36, and I am a high functional anxious person that tried hard not to be a workaholic. So my answer was, I am stable enough to navigate this world but not enough to be fully responsible for a child.
Am I financially capable to cover my wants and needs, and that of a child’s?
This question is tricky because it all comes down to what lifestyle you want. It is no secret that investing in real estate, cars, clothing, and education is more and more expensive than before, and recent studies show that you might need up to a million dollars to raise a baby through their first 18 years. I have to clarify that in Mexico, opposite from the USA, it is expected that the parents pay for their child’s full education. Yes, that is right, all the way to the university. This means that you might have to stop doing things for yourself in order to provide the necessities for your kids or have enough money to do both. So my answer is no. I am capable of supporting myself and living a comfortable lifestyle but there is no way I could live the same way if I had a child, and since I am not willing to stop living the way I want to. I said no.
Am I mentally and emotionally prepared to be 24/7 available for a child?
If you have a child, alone or with a partner, there is a chance that needs to be available all the time, and as a woman, it is even more expected. Imagine this, you are tired, you come from work and this kid is hungry and ask for food, that you must provide because it is a baby and they can’t feed themselves. My answer is no. I don’t want to do that if I am tired and I want to grab a glass of wine, watch Disney Plus and be in my PJs after a long day of work. That’s what I want to do, so NO. I am not available.
Is the current world kind enough for a child?
I don’t know if you have asked yourself this before, maybe you have, maybe you haven’t. I have asked so many times, even now, and I keep getting the same answer. No, this world is not kind. I have met amazing and kind people in this world but I do not believe this world is kind enough, not anymore. You might believe this is very dark though and I should not think this way but at the end of the day I do and because of it. I also say NO to motherhood.
If you made it this far and you agree with my questions and answers maybe you should reconsider being a parent but if you still want to be a mom or a dad, I really encourage you to ask yourself even harder questions and do the necessary changes or improvements in your life to be a good enough parent.